The Rock

15th - 18th January: Uluru

When booking our round the world tickets, we were told that we could fly to Ayers rock (and back) for no extra cost as we had available air miles. On checking with reliable sources that it was a good place to visit, and since it was 'free', we thought we might as well take a look. As you all no doubt know, Uluru, also known as Ayers Rock, is the large sandstone rock formation in central Australia.

Having had some grey weather recently, and in need of some sun before flying to New Zealand, we were looking forward to getting to the desert. Everyone guaranteed we'd find a lot of sun there, if maybe too much. However, on disembarking our plane, we were greeted with rain. No chance of topping up that tan then. Oh well, there were more important things to see and do.

We met our tour group shortly after and were taken to some of the main sights in the afternoon; the Cultural Centre, the Valley of the Winds and Kata Tyuta before heading to the Ayers Rock sunset viewing area. Uluru is notable for appearing to change colour as the light strikes it at different times of the day, with sunset being particularly remarkable. Unfortunately, along with many other bus loads of tourists, we weren't to see this remarkable sight, as no light was getting through those impenetrable clouds. No worries though, we were being fed tasty cheese and fizzy wine and had high hopes for sunrise.

So, up early in the dark the next day at the unsociable hour of 4am, we were taken to the sunrise viewing area. Again we were joined by many tourists, though not the hordes from the evening before. They obviously had something better to do, like sleep. Again we waited, seemingly in vain, to witness the changing colour of the rock. After an hour or so, just when we had nearly given up hope and wished we were still in bed with the rest of them, the sun broke through the clouds and hit our target. It really was a remarkable sight. As you can see from the photo, and the comparative one from the night before, the rock did glow. Luckily we managed to get a few shots in before the cloud covered over again but the wait was definitely worth the wait.


With our spirits lifted, we did the 10km base tour of Uluru and later met our guide to be shown some of the more interesting sights in the rock; including the 'kitchen', 'school' and 'nursery'. We were also shown many original Aboriginal drawings in the rock and where many of the legends originated from.

Unfortunately, here our tour ended, as the rest of the group were heading back up to Alice Springs via King's Canyon. And for us, due to some bad planning, we had the next two evenings and day to lounge in the rip-off resort. It wasn't all bad though as there was a pool and live music. Kind of cheesy but good entertainment nonetheless.

Bush tucker

14th January - Sydney, NSW

Picture the scene if you will; the sun hurries westward, the shadows lengthen, a girl in a funky dress and a long armed tramp search for food. They drop into McDo to use the free bathroom facilities. They pause as they pass Subway to discuss the merits of 'foot-long food'. They enter the atrium of one of Sydney's taller skyscrapers and take the lift to the 43rd floor.

After enjoying a glass of sparkling wine, they tuck into paella spiced ocean trout with caramelised tomato tart and candied garlic eggplant. They sip their crisp white wine and watch the world go by as the restaurant slowly rotates. The cheap-food-in-expensive-resto offer wins out again.

Still, these things cannot last forever. The express lift smoothly brings them back down to earth and minutes later they are seen sitting on a park bench sharing their McFlurry dessert. Order is restored.

City by the sea

10th January - Sydney

After Bris, it was straight down to Sydney care of Virgin Blue, Branson's cheap ass airline. Although Bris was pleasant in its SimCity way, this was a seriously good city.

Full of all of the nonsense that Australians love, such as trees, parks and sports facilities, it has an ultra modern feel. It even has a monorail, although admittedly its junk, like something from a 70's Doctor Who episode. But at the same time, the city appears to have all of the culture and diversity that you need if you want anything interesting to do.


Understandably we had a glimpse at all of the main sights, although nothing really appealed. Indeed the pleasure of our stay was in just strolling around the city, taking in the strange mix of architecture and wasting our time. Incidentally, more cities should be built on this much water.

On our first visit, we were met by hoards of Barmy Army fans, who were quite understandably pissed in all senses of the word. Although this gave the city a bit of a Prince of Wales Road feel, I did see one mildly amusing t shirt, which no doubt you have seen already.

We stayed in a number of different hostels, but the preferred one was in Darlinghurst. Just down the road from Kings Cross, its full of restaurants and bars and rich kids. It felt a little like Fulham, although not quite as unpleasant and perhaps with a hint of originality. The whole valley to the east of the city centre is full of cool low rise buildings, trees and would be an awesome place to live.

We also went to Bondi where I was comprehensively beaten by the waves.

The Blue Mountains

A two hour drive west of Sydney lie the Blue Mountains. Despite the name suggesting otherwise, they are in fact not a range of mountains, but a series of sandstone structures and cliffs. The name doesn't completely misguide you however. Viewed from a distance, they do have a bluish tinge which we were told is caused by the release of volatile oils from eucalyptus forests covering these 'mountains'.


Our group was split into two, those who wanted an easy day and to be be driven round the cliffs to the viewpoints, and those who were feeling more energetic and were to walk the cavern floor. We happened to be in the latter. Our guide Nigel quickly got rid of one member of the proposed group because he didn't think he could take the heat and also didn't have the right footwear. Initially I thought this was pretty harsh and felt sorry for the vicar but by the end of the walk and climb I agreed with Nigel, there was no way he could have scrambled his way over boulders through creeks in his church shoes. I was wearing walking shoes (something I prefer not to do but on this occasion it was for the best) and lets just say that I was glad they were waterproof.

Another deception was Nigel. Despite looking like someone who's spending his semi-retirement years eating delicious Aussie pies, even to his own admission, he was fit. Very fit indeed. The way he bounded up and down those cliffs would have impressed even our own 'Mountain goat' Amit. Nigel would certainly have raced him on our 3 peak challenge last year and probably won.

After the first look out across the valley we were taken down into and along the cavern floor. It was pretty impressive scenery and many types of plant, and some wildlife, were pointed out. We were also repeatedly told to keep an eye out for snakes as they are common in the area. Only the other day the other guide didn't spot one right in front of him until it jumped across his face. Nigel seem disappointed that we didn't come across any but I'm pretty sure that I wasn't the only who was glad of this.

On our second day we decided to take the easier, more touristy option and visit two of the Jenolan caves. These are a spectacular series of limestone caves that are regarded as some of the world's best. We had a tour for 90 minutes in the Lucas and Orient caves and saw an array of stalactites, stalagmites, shawls and straws, many looking like various structures including organs, people and even a cathedral. The cavern described as the cathedral is actually used today for recitals and weddings. I'm still not sure whether that's tacky or not, unusual though to say the least.

Two days in the valley

8th January - Hunter Valley, NSW

One of the many advantages of living in Sydney is the fact that it doesn't feel particularly like Australia. Another is its close proximity to Hunter Valley, a fine southern Californian wine growing areas just a couple of hours outside of the city.

My limited knowledge of wine (white, red, pink) proved to be little disadvantage as we spent our first afternoon being driven around the relaxing countryside visiting local vineyards. Initially, there was some idle chatter suggesting that we might have to pay or indeed be limited in the number of tastings. This turned out to be unfounded; the tour was run by the YHA and was aimed at loungers such as ourselves. And so we sniffed, sloshed and necked all manner of fine vintages and even purchased a couple of bottles to boot. A fine waste of a day.

Our second day followed a similar pattern, although this time our steeds were of the two wheeled variety. After subduing that Great British regard with which we are all born, we imposed ourselves on further independent vineyards and discovered the pleasures of cold, sparkling red wine.

The Cougar

29th December - Australia, somewhere

Throughout our epic travels, I have attempted to prove my worth by watching an unhealthy amount of foreign tv. I am particularly partial to NBA games with Chinese commentary and a Japanese show about 2 slightly camp detectives.

In Australia however, I have had my patience sorely tested by their appalling adverts, the vast majority of which appear to have been put together on someone's Atari. The fine exception to this rule is adverts about The Cougar (left). Have a look at the videos and perhaps consider introducing some of the skills into your life.

Briso!

30th December 2006 - 5th January 2007

We finally made it all the way down to Brisbane and it looks pretty impressive. The city is a town planners dream; they obviously had the space and time to build a great city and made the most of it. It has everything you could wish for - sky scrapers, impressive bridge, fancy south bank and even it's own artificial beach and lagoon. A refreshing change to the backward towns we had seen for the last two weeks and one that definitely gets the thumbs up.

Here we meet the end of our journey from Cairns with Gord and Mel and bid them a fond farewell. Off they went to Sydney for the New Year celebrations and then back home via Hong Kong to spend any spare cash they could lay their hands on. I'd like to say a huge thanks to both of them for an awesome 2 weeks. We owe you big time Gord!


And for us, we were to stay in Brisbane for a few more days to make the most of Iain and Craig's kind hospitality. Their plush apartment even had a spa and pool, pimp-tastic.

Our first night with them was at a New Years eve party at Helena and Shane's (thanks for letting us tag along guys!) and safe to say, the Australians pretty much party like us - the usual boozing, fireworks, sparklers and BBQ. One new find however was the BLT canape, I could have eaten a tray of them.

Since we've been travelling we haven't been dancing; to my dismay and to Ed's relief. However, on New Years day we ventured to one (and the only?) of Brisbane's clubs. It's great for people-watching as you're treated to a whole array of men on podiums in bright tight vests and shorts (I'm under the safe guidance that boy shops just dont sell shorts like that). We even witnessed a dance off. Fab! In addition to the impromptu entertainment, the club was well air conditioned and smoke-free, makes a nice change to the usual sweat pits in London.

In addition to these two nights out; we also explored the city, did some shopping, went to the lagoon, visited a national park and had a day out at the plush beach resort, Noosa. A pretty chilled out week which was greatly welcome and much needed.

So, I'd like to end by giving another big thanks, this time to Iain and Craig for letting us stay, driving us around and for their wonderful culinary skills. And a final word of advice - when you come back to England, remember that flip-flops are not called thongs. You may get some odd looks...

Fraser Island

28-29th December 2006

So, we rock up at Hervery Bay late afternoon hoping to find some accomodation and to book a trip to Fraser Island for the following day. We should be so lucky. All the esplanade lined hotels and motels are full, all the tours are full. Everyone is going there for a few days over New Year and booked ages ago. Smart move. So for us dummies it was a trailer park with a local ginger idiot to boot. However, our luck was not completely out, in one last ditch attempt to get to the Island I'd heard so much about, we asked the lady at reception to double check and as luck would have it, there had just been a cancellation and did we want it. Hell yes!

We were met by our guide in a four wheel drive coach. Basically a monster truck which made caning it round the largest sand island in the world a thrilling ride. It seemed that the coach and driver were indestructuible as we raced past all the smaller vehicles. I'm not sure if it was because we only had one day to get round the island, or just because our vehicle was bigger than the others, but it was fun nonetheless.

During our few hours there we did a rainforest walk, visited Eli creek, the coloured sands, the Maheno wreck and Lake Mackenzie. All very impressive and I'll certainly be going back for longer one day.


Fraser Island is home to a variety of wildlife, including the infamous dingo. Despite their depleting numbers, they are still a real threat to us. I thought that it was pretty much guaranteed that you'd see one but we sadly didn't. However, on second thoughts, maybe this was for the best. After coming face to face with a casserwary, I'm now more careful what I wish for.

The Resort

Boxing Day, Whitsunday Islands, Queensland

We have few traditions in our family, but one of them is to take a country walk on Boxing Day. Although always a struggle to get out of bed, it nearly always proves to be excellent; the fresh winter air, the crisp frosty ground under foot, the sun setting at 2pm and of course a pint in a traditional country pub.


This Christmas, in Airlie Beach, there were murmurs of trying to emulate this fine tradition under the Australian sun. In the end, it was decided that we would take a boat out to one of the islands, relax on the beach, walk in the rainforest and partake in a little snorkelling. Our destination; Daydream island (see nice brochure picture above).

There are already a couple of mistakes that I should point out. Firstly the name - the island used to be called West Molle Island, but when it was purchased by new owners, they decided to name it after their sailing boat. Who does that? Naming an island after a boat is like naming a child after a nightclub. Stupid.

The second, is why on earth would you give a boat a name like that? Everyone knows that boats should carry names such as Hood, Illustrious or GSV Uninvited Guest. Certainly not daydream.

When I arrived on the island, a wave of concern ran over me as I saw people getting picked up from the ferry point in golf carts. Eerie and things did not improve. As I worked my way to the other end of the island, I distinctly felt that we could well be in a Butlins resort. Heavy handed landscaping had put pay to much of the original flora and replaced it with grass and sprinklers. Our lunch (included in our package) was taken next to the man made coral reef where some old people were trying to feed bread to a shark.

After lunch, we took ourselves away, past the IKEA chapel (below) and via a 'rainforest walk' (although there was scarcely enough canopy to justify the claim) to get some snorkels. On the way we passed through the hotel proper which contained some unpleasant upholstery and a number of large fibreglass fish hanging from the ceiling. The entire island would have been excellent fun if it had been deserted instead of being thronged with people who appeared to rather like it.



It was not all bad - the snorkelling was great and large shoals of fish surrounded us in 2 ft of water. Throughout the day I had been acutely aware that there were few ways off the island and only when we took the ferry at the end of the day, was I able to relax and enjoy freedom.

Do they know it's Christmas?

December 23rd - Airlie Beach, Queensland

Unquestionably, they do not. A resounding N.O. Christmas here passes almost unnoticed. People are out in the summer heat doing all kinds of unchristmassy things such as swimming and wearing caps.

Despite the blinding sun, this is a dark time for me. Those of you back in London trying to feel your way to work through a good old pea souper haven't got such a bad deal. Christmas to me, is all about bad weather, material gain and staying inside to watch films on TV. It is my favourite time of the year. Over here, you can't get mulled wine for love nor money and it's just not on to spend the the whole day inside breathing conditioned air.

Okay, rant over, relax and sit back and I'll give you some facts.

We're now halfway down the east coast of Queensland, staying by the Whitsunday Islands in a place called Airlie Beach (questionable choice of words). The place is the epitamy of chilled out. Our apartment is high upon the hillside, overlooking a picturesque bay dotted with sailing boats and the occaisional sea plane. It's a good place to be, nearly any time of the year.

Anyway, for those of you who do read this in time, Merry Chrismas! For the rest of you; enjoy January, try to get the month off to go somewhere sunny.

Big Bird

20th December - Cape Tribulation, Queensland

Today we took the 4wd up to Cape tribulation ('where the rainforest meets the reef', a tag line about as imaginative as 'a fine city') where we spent much money to look around a patch of rainforest in search of cassowaries. These rare birds (less than 1000 left) are broadly related to emus, but in my eyes are more reminiscent of massive angry turkeys. Here are some fact-snacks:

- have distinctive red and blue colouring on their heads and necks
- over 6ft high when fully grown
- can run at speeds of up to 30mph
- can disembowel enemies with their enormous velociraptor-like feet
- have an amount of elbow skin hanging from their chins
- are angry at something, perhaps the elbow skin
- make rubbish pets
- hate tourists

And see a Cass we did. It was about 3ft high, showed no interesting colouring and promptly disappeared into the forest. What a gyp. We continued on to the Cape. The beach looked like something from Pirates of the Caribbean, but it was, after all, only a beach. Opting not to aimlessly sunbathe, I went in search of snakes and other beasts. None to be found, but I did find some full sized Cass tracks leading out of the forest onto the beach. Following these tracks I found some more trees. It had been a long day and I wasn't so disappointed.


As we wandered back along the beach towards the path up to the car park, I sarcastically stated that I would save the final photo on my memory card for a full sized Cass. As I said this, our attention was drawn to a commotion in the jungle. A couple of asian tourists shot out of the trees giggling like children. They were closely pursued by Rod Hulls emu on steroids. With elbow skin.

The fully grown and fully pissed Cass inspected the tourists as we watched from a safe distance (another poor judgement on my part). The cass appeared to have satisfied itself that the tourists were not laughing at its funny walk and proceeded to look around for something else to abuse. Luckily we were on hand.

Like a sequence from a ill conceived dream, it looked in our direction and began to approach us. As a notorious coward, I had read the warning sign and knew that we should back off, keep facing it and try to get something solid in between ourselves and the turkey. Something solid. On a long sandy beach. The others decided that the most solid thing around was me and formed a tight packed line behind me. The warning sign had said that in absence of something solid, hold out a bag or piece of clothing, so that if bad ass decides to run and kick you, he goes for the bag instead.

What followed was a scene from a good Benny Hill sketch, whereby the cass circled us and the 4 of us rotated to keep it in front of us. After each rotation, there ensued a standoff where I appeared to be offering my man bag to the cass as it stood looking at me with its mean yellow eyes. During the several circles it even managed to separate my sister from the group and abuse her too. Not nice. After what seemed like a couple of hours, it decided that there were better things to do in the forest and calmly walked away.

All in all, an experience so thoroughly unreal as to seem like something from the tv program Walking with Dinosaurs. And we all know how rubbish that is.

Big Fish

19th December - The Great barrier Reef

There is much to be said for europe. It is overflowing with fine beers, strong smelling cheeses and outstanding languages, such as German. On top of these fine attributes, one can also argue that its constituent countries are developed. When I say developed, I should clarify that in this instance, I mean it in terms of sending all of the worthwhile native animals to extinction using guns and chainsaws. Who needs dragons and unicorns anyway.

Australia, on the other hand, is still going through this process, although there is a good chance that the those tree huggers may prevent further progress. So what, I hear you mutter, is the problem with this? Well frankly, this is a country where killer beasts roam the countryside and seas alike. And even if you manage to knock one down with the bull bars on the front of your ute, what do you get? A fine. Great. Thanks very much.

My first unpleasant encounter was during a magnificent day on the back of a dive boat on the reef north of Port Douglas. Although restricted to snorkelling, I was having a fantastic time; our stinger suits made us look like navy frogmen (in my eyes at least) and we were swimming amongst and plethora of beautifully crafted fishies.

My dad (the infamous Gord), who was doing his best to antagonise the three of us by taking photos with his underwater camera, grabbed me to tell me he had seen a shark. Assuming this was an impromptu photo session, I decided to go elsewhere. Anyway, who wants to see a short, fat dogfish playing gangster whilst sitting around on the sea bed? Not me. I was off to find nemo.

A short time later, floating aimlessly without a nemo sighting to my name, I customarily looked round to find out where Helen was. And who did I spy? Yes a big sinister looking shark lurking about 1m below the surface. This evolutionary old boy was about 1.5 - 2m long and looked disturbingly like sharks should, or in this case shouldn't, when only 15 feet away.

It was a reef shark, probably white tipped due to the size, which are seldom dangerous to humans. However, to me it was a visual medley of Jaws 1-4 and deep Blue sea all at once. I didn't waste time telling Helen, just grabbed her arm and ran like a lunatic. Seconds later, remembering our liquid substrate, I decided to swim away instead.

Lesson learnt; carry weapons, don't be a sissy.

Dr Dolittle

16th - 20th December: Queensland

So, we're now in Australia and I should have thought about it before, but my mind was occupied with thoughts of sun and beaches and it just didn't occur to me that there are LOADS of creepy crawlies and poisonous animals etc lurking around this island. Yikes! Don't think a spray of Boots insect repellent is going to protect me from these nasties. Actually, in fairness, Oz is just full of animals, and apart from snakes, crocs and spiders, there are also the cute cuddly koalas. And birds are ok too I guess as long as they don't do their business on your head.

On our first day in Australia, Gord treated us to a day out snorkelling in the great barrier reef up near Cairns. I've never been snorkelling before, and after a few minutes learning how to breathe through my mouth and not choke on sea water (don't laugh, it's not tasty), we were cruising around through the most spectacularly crystal clear water over magnificent reef looking down on a huge variety of colourful fish. Really was a great day. The only downside being that as we were wearing wetsuits, none of us put on suntan lotion. Big error as these don't cover all of your leg so we had bright pink ankles for the next few days, you can still actually see the tan lines now, bit like a reverse sock mark. Not a good look, believe me.

Anyway, in addition to the amazing sea life, Oz has lots of wildlife roaming the land. Whilst on Magnetic island (affectionally known as 'Maggie' by the locals), we went to a Koala sanctuary. Or that was at least what I was led to believe it to be. So, off we followed our guide, expecting to see some cute fluffy things but instead were greeted with small handling crocs which were presently passed round and one forcefully placed into my hand. To be fair, it was ok, he was only a little fella, we saw his mother later and there was no way anyone was going near that one. With or without her mouth taped up. Later, the next animal to be passed around to my delight was a snake. Not in the form of a handbag but a real live python. We were assured that this bad boy wasn't poisonous but a mere constrictor. So, having been bullied by Ed and his dad, I gave in and the next thing I knew it was wrapped round my neck. Not slippery like you may think but pretty heavy and you could feel it working its way round you. A quick few photos and it was off me like a shot. I'm glad I held it but let's just say I still don't want to see one in the wild.

In addition to all these scary creatures we did also see a koala. Despite it looking cuddly we decided not to hold this one, not because we were scared, but because it cost a few more of our hard earned dollars. And where's the excitement in holding a teddy bear anyway?