Do they know it's Christmas?

December 23rd - Airlie Beach, Queensland

Unquestionably, they do not. A resounding N.O. Christmas here passes almost unnoticed. People are out in the summer heat doing all kinds of unchristmassy things such as swimming and wearing caps.

Despite the blinding sun, this is a dark time for me. Those of you back in London trying to feel your way to work through a good old pea souper haven't got such a bad deal. Christmas to me, is all about bad weather, material gain and staying inside to watch films on TV. It is my favourite time of the year. Over here, you can't get mulled wine for love nor money and it's just not on to spend the the whole day inside breathing conditioned air.

Okay, rant over, relax and sit back and I'll give you some facts.

We're now halfway down the east coast of Queensland, staying by the Whitsunday Islands in a place called Airlie Beach (questionable choice of words). The place is the epitamy of chilled out. Our apartment is high upon the hillside, overlooking a picturesque bay dotted with sailing boats and the occaisional sea plane. It's a good place to be, nearly any time of the year.

Anyway, for those of you who do read this in time, Merry Chrismas! For the rest of you; enjoy January, try to get the month off to go somewhere sunny.

Big Bird

20th December - Cape Tribulation, Queensland

Today we took the 4wd up to Cape tribulation ('where the rainforest meets the reef', a tag line about as imaginative as 'a fine city') where we spent much money to look around a patch of rainforest in search of cassowaries. These rare birds (less than 1000 left) are broadly related to emus, but in my eyes are more reminiscent of massive angry turkeys. Here are some fact-snacks:

- have distinctive red and blue colouring on their heads and necks
- over 6ft high when fully grown
- can run at speeds of up to 30mph
- can disembowel enemies with their enormous velociraptor-like feet
- have an amount of elbow skin hanging from their chins
- are angry at something, perhaps the elbow skin
- make rubbish pets
- hate tourists

And see a Cass we did. It was about 3ft high, showed no interesting colouring and promptly disappeared into the forest. What a gyp. We continued on to the Cape. The beach looked like something from Pirates of the Caribbean, but it was, after all, only a beach. Opting not to aimlessly sunbathe, I went in search of snakes and other beasts. None to be found, but I did find some full sized Cass tracks leading out of the forest onto the beach. Following these tracks I found some more trees. It had been a long day and I wasn't so disappointed.


As we wandered back along the beach towards the path up to the car park, I sarcastically stated that I would save the final photo on my memory card for a full sized Cass. As I said this, our attention was drawn to a commotion in the jungle. A couple of asian tourists shot out of the trees giggling like children. They were closely pursued by Rod Hulls emu on steroids. With elbow skin.

The fully grown and fully pissed Cass inspected the tourists as we watched from a safe distance (another poor judgement on my part). The cass appeared to have satisfied itself that the tourists were not laughing at its funny walk and proceeded to look around for something else to abuse. Luckily we were on hand.

Like a sequence from a ill conceived dream, it looked in our direction and began to approach us. As a notorious coward, I had read the warning sign and knew that we should back off, keep facing it and try to get something solid in between ourselves and the turkey. Something solid. On a long sandy beach. The others decided that the most solid thing around was me and formed a tight packed line behind me. The warning sign had said that in absence of something solid, hold out a bag or piece of clothing, so that if bad ass decides to run and kick you, he goes for the bag instead.

What followed was a scene from a good Benny Hill sketch, whereby the cass circled us and the 4 of us rotated to keep it in front of us. After each rotation, there ensued a standoff where I appeared to be offering my man bag to the cass as it stood looking at me with its mean yellow eyes. During the several circles it even managed to separate my sister from the group and abuse her too. Not nice. After what seemed like a couple of hours, it decided that there were better things to do in the forest and calmly walked away.

All in all, an experience so thoroughly unreal as to seem like something from the tv program Walking with Dinosaurs. And we all know how rubbish that is.

Big Fish

19th December - The Great barrier Reef

There is much to be said for europe. It is overflowing with fine beers, strong smelling cheeses and outstanding languages, such as German. On top of these fine attributes, one can also argue that its constituent countries are developed. When I say developed, I should clarify that in this instance, I mean it in terms of sending all of the worthwhile native animals to extinction using guns and chainsaws. Who needs dragons and unicorns anyway.

Australia, on the other hand, is still going through this process, although there is a good chance that the those tree huggers may prevent further progress. So what, I hear you mutter, is the problem with this? Well frankly, this is a country where killer beasts roam the countryside and seas alike. And even if you manage to knock one down with the bull bars on the front of your ute, what do you get? A fine. Great. Thanks very much.

My first unpleasant encounter was during a magnificent day on the back of a dive boat on the reef north of Port Douglas. Although restricted to snorkelling, I was having a fantastic time; our stinger suits made us look like navy frogmen (in my eyes at least) and we were swimming amongst and plethora of beautifully crafted fishies.

My dad (the infamous Gord), who was doing his best to antagonise the three of us by taking photos with his underwater camera, grabbed me to tell me he had seen a shark. Assuming this was an impromptu photo session, I decided to go elsewhere. Anyway, who wants to see a short, fat dogfish playing gangster whilst sitting around on the sea bed? Not me. I was off to find nemo.

A short time later, floating aimlessly without a nemo sighting to my name, I customarily looked round to find out where Helen was. And who did I spy? Yes a big sinister looking shark lurking about 1m below the surface. This evolutionary old boy was about 1.5 - 2m long and looked disturbingly like sharks should, or in this case shouldn't, when only 15 feet away.

It was a reef shark, probably white tipped due to the size, which are seldom dangerous to humans. However, to me it was a visual medley of Jaws 1-4 and deep Blue sea all at once. I didn't waste time telling Helen, just grabbed her arm and ran like a lunatic. Seconds later, remembering our liquid substrate, I decided to swim away instead.

Lesson learnt; carry weapons, don't be a sissy.

Dr Dolittle

16th - 20th December: Queensland

So, we're now in Australia and I should have thought about it before, but my mind was occupied with thoughts of sun and beaches and it just didn't occur to me that there are LOADS of creepy crawlies and poisonous animals etc lurking around this island. Yikes! Don't think a spray of Boots insect repellent is going to protect me from these nasties. Actually, in fairness, Oz is just full of animals, and apart from snakes, crocs and spiders, there are also the cute cuddly koalas. And birds are ok too I guess as long as they don't do their business on your head.

On our first day in Australia, Gord treated us to a day out snorkelling in the great barrier reef up near Cairns. I've never been snorkelling before, and after a few minutes learning how to breathe through my mouth and not choke on sea water (don't laugh, it's not tasty), we were cruising around through the most spectacularly crystal clear water over magnificent reef looking down on a huge variety of colourful fish. Really was a great day. The only downside being that as we were wearing wetsuits, none of us put on suntan lotion. Big error as these don't cover all of your leg so we had bright pink ankles for the next few days, you can still actually see the tan lines now, bit like a reverse sock mark. Not a good look, believe me.

Anyway, in addition to the amazing sea life, Oz has lots of wildlife roaming the land. Whilst on Magnetic island (affectionally known as 'Maggie' by the locals), we went to a Koala sanctuary. Or that was at least what I was led to believe it to be. So, off we followed our guide, expecting to see some cute fluffy things but instead were greeted with small handling crocs which were presently passed round and one forcefully placed into my hand. To be fair, it was ok, he was only a little fella, we saw his mother later and there was no way anyone was going near that one. With or without her mouth taped up. Later, the next animal to be passed around to my delight was a snake. Not in the form of a handbag but a real live python. We were assured that this bad boy wasn't poisonous but a mere constrictor. So, having been bullied by Ed and his dad, I gave in and the next thing I knew it was wrapped round my neck. Not slippery like you may think but pretty heavy and you could feel it working its way round you. A quick few photos and it was off me like a shot. I'm glad I held it but let's just say I still don't want to see one in the wild.

In addition to all these scary creatures we did also see a koala. Despite it looking cuddly we decided not to hold this one, not because we were scared, but because it cost a few more of our hard earned dollars. And where's the excitement in holding a teddy bear anyway?

Vietnam's Northern Line

13th December - Cu chi - Southern Vietnam

Hey fool, gimme that gun!

Ever since the age of 12, I have been 12. When, at an age of 28, I had the opportunity to go down some Viet Minh tunnels and shoot machine guns all in the same day, I was as giddy as a schoolboy.

The Cu Chi area, some 50km outside Saigon, was an area of fierce fighting between American and Viet Minh forces in the late '60s. This type of combat was not new to the Viet Minh who had been fighting the occupational forces of the French and later the Americans since the '50s and had developed a vast network of tunnels (some of which ran underneath American military installations) to allow them to quickly move between locations in relative safety.

Today, it is possible to visit the tunnels to learn about the plight of the VM. However for many, it is a chance to crawl through small, dark underground passages and shoot machine guns. I hesitate whether to exclude myself from this number.

After the main part of the tour, which includes shows of tiger traps, bolt holes and craters from the payloads of B52s, you are invited to spend your hard earned dollar on varying 7.62mm rounds for a number of different weapons.

I opted for the 10 rounds on the M60 (tripod mounted 'big boy') machine gun and another 5 on an AK47. The former, being fully automatic, belt-fed and with a rate of fire of 550rpm, ate most of my money in a single burst whilst simultaneously rendering me deaf. I finished off the rest of the bullets and might have even hit the target. The AK, a more lightweight assualt rifle, proved quite accuate an easy to handle. However it didn't look as cool.

After the joys of handling live weopons, one might reasonably expect the rest of the day to be comparatively dull. However, that was not to be: Shortly after ruptering both eardrums, we were invited to closely inspect a 100m length of the tunnels, with depths ranging from 3 - 9 metres underground.

Although most people took this tour to see the tunnels, I was surprised at the number of people who abstained at the last minute. I was happy to play follow the leader as we descended into the humid and thoroughly claustrophobic entrance to the tunnels. From that point onwards, it was a case of trying to keep up with those in front whilst sweating one's way around the network of tunnels. I think that the picture below aptly demonstrates my state of relaxation (well it was pretty dark when the flash went out...).

Let's get tattoos!

10th December - Saigon, Vietnam

Once in a blue your dreams come true
If someone's looking out for you
So party on dude let's buy some booze
Go downtown and get tattoos

Yeah right. What with the pain, hepatitis and spelling mistakes to be considered. No, definately not. Suits on the other hand are almost pain free, medically screened and the same in all languages. Let's get suits.

I should like to take this opportunity to note, that in the ordering, tailoring and subsequent photographing of our new threads, I went through one of life's cruellest dilemas; sunglasses on or sunglasses off.

As we know, there are some situations when they must be worn, such as when;


- conducting a graduate interview;
- comforting someone in distress or;
- in a club.

Normally a 'no brainer', I agree. However if we were to get this one wrong we might be mistaken for the Eurythmics or even Tommy Lee Jones/Will Smith in panto. It was a risk that I was not willing to take.

Saigon beer on the other hand...

Where the wind blows

9th December - Mui Ne, Vietnam

You may have noted from previous postings that, both myself and Helen found Vietnam to be a highly enjoyable experience on many levels; most notably, the people who, are both friendly and interesting.

However, in Mui Ne, it was all about the beach.

I am no fan of beaches, which I usually find a little too sandy, but this was a little different. This was no place for swimming, sea fishing or being old. No. It was almost entirely devoted to wind surfing and kite surfing. I happen to know this because I spent 3 days watching them from the safety of my sun lounger, further up the beach. No 20ft jumps for me.

In all seriousness, our few days on the coast came as an ideal break from the fast paced life of the global trainsetter. The weather was perfect, the newly-opened-posh-resort-style-hotel-on-the-beach-offering-50%-off-its-already-dirt-cheap-prices was perfect, the tranquility, even the late night boozing was pretty much spot on.

I considered this a fine opportunity to nothing but read and laze and lounge for the entirety of our stay, citing 'lack of time' and 'we'll do it when we come back' as reasons why we did not do a single thing of worth. Good times.

Dark histories

7th December - Saigon, Vietnam

Saigon does not have the immediate charm of Hanoi and the attractions within the city are perhaps a little less obvious. However the spirit of the Vietnamese triumphed again when were welcomed into our excellent hotel by an extremely friendly chatter of women.


One of the more thought provoking destinations is the originally titled war crimes museum. It displays some of the lesser known and more unpleasant facts about the American war.

Yet notwithstanding the museum's caliber and punch, the organisers cannot help including little bits of tiresome propaganda which have no place in any objective exhibition. Although I do not debate the veracity any of the information and in spite of my dislike of the American administration, I am rather ashamed to say that I still found myself empathising with redneck GIs sweating away and being shot at in someone else's country rather than those trying to protect it and getting their skin burnt off.

Definitely a place to visit if you come here.

Dragon Islands

4-5th December

So, we made it to Vietnam and shortly found ourselves on a fancy boat cruising around Halong Bay (translated as 'Bay of descending dragons' from Vietnamese). A life I could definitely get used to.

Local legend says that way back when the Vietnamese were fighting off Chinese invaders, the gods sent a family of dragons to help defend the land. This family of dragons descended upon the area (hence the name) and began spitting out jewels and jade. These jewels turned into the islands and islets dotting the bay, linking together to form barriers against the invaders.

Whether you listen to the legend or not, Halong bay is a very spectacular sight and one worth visiting. The bay consists of a dense cluster of hundreds of limestone monolithic islands, some with caves and each topped with thick jungle vegetation, which rise from the ocean. Both Ed and I commented on how it looked a little like Yangshuo, but on water, making it far more impressive.


We booked our excellent tour at Kangaroo Cafe in Hanoi

The land of same same

2nd December - Hanoi, Vietnam

Having searched around the city in some detail, I have found only 7 original items. Everything else was a dirty copy. Fake goods are not limited to watches and sunglasses; you can also find fake trainers, bags, money, hotels, cafes, tour operators, even books.

The picture to the left is also fake.

Who am I kidding? Only rich people and the Japanese really care about authenticity. I was keen to pick up some fake gold jewellery for myself and some presents for my family.

Hanoi is an excellent place. I don't doubt this comes in part from our rather damp final chapter in China, but I was surprised at just how much I enjoyed my time there.

We Stayed in the old quarter along with every other pasty tourist (and there are more than a few). The area is a mix of beautiful old French architecture and mopeds trying to break the sound barrier whilst riding 15 abreast. All of the shops carry out their business on the edge of the pavement and I struggle to imagine a scene more full of life. In the chaos of all this, the locals are extremely welcoming and do not appear to be tiring of tourist dollars in the slightest.

Part of the charm of the area is just wandering down each of the different streets which are known for selling different types of product. In additions, everything is meta cheap, even compared to China, and the food is magnificent.


The rascals that you see above are water puppets. They may look sweet, but having seen a show (where the puppetteers stand behind a screen, up to their waste in bilge water), I wouldn't get in a fight with them; they can run on water and I saw one take down a dragon. I fancy even Semmence could not match that.

Shopping

After five weeks, I was pretty eager to leave cold and wet China and get on over to Vietnam. In order to save time, and skip going on a sleeper train for the one last time, we decided to fly. Buying our tickets however proved to be yet another example of how Chinese can often be poor sales people. Although sometimes it felt like many people would have sold us their own mother for a decent price, on other occasions, we were met with blank expressions and blatant lack of service. Eventually, we worked out the pattern, an individual would sell you anything if they were getting the benefit of the cash, but good luck if you want to buy anything from a department store or corporation. So, one piece of advice, if you ever set up a company in China, then be sure to offer a bonus system.

In this case, the first travel agency we went to informed us that in order to fly to Hanoi from Chengdu, we'd have to travel via Amsterdam. I don't think so. I tried to explain that Vietnam was just over the border and even offered to point to our destination on a map (which they mysteriously didnt have any of...), but no, we'd have to go to Europe and back. So, we left in search of the Southern China Airways building where we were again initailly met with protests that they didnt fly there but after some persuasion we were finally offered a quote. This we accepted to their shock and amusement. In fairness, it wasnt particularly cheap (we could have bought a few gourmet meals for the price) but definitely preferable to getting a long, sweaty train across the border in the middle night.

Anyway, after much time and frustration, we finally got our tickets and were off to Hanoi. Hurrah.

On timely blog posting

Hey you there!

Here's the beef. We're out of China and into 'Nam. This means that I have had the soundtrack to Platoon going through my head and also we can access stuff like the internet without having important sites blocked.

We've got a few new blog entries - even some dating back to Japan and maybe worth scrolling back for! I have sacked the work experience kid who put together the ninjageddon post and hopefully sorted out the problem using my best crayolas. In addition, the imbecile running this blog has fiddled with some dials and now you can leave a comment without logging into blogger, as Barry Scott can testify.

Still got a number of China posts to pop in there, but all in good time, as they say. All in good time.

China's abandoned places

30th November - Chengdu, China

It seems that there are few outdoor spaces in China where you can go to be alone. Across the country people live their lives on the street and this makes for a vibrant experience. Thus it came as a bit of a surprise when, in Chengdu, we stumbled on a couple of places that were completely deserted.

Chinese cities often possess many of the qualities that I would look for if I were trying to persuade someone to vote for the Green Party. Having experienced a fair number of these, I can say that Chengdu rated really rather well and was a pleasant place to spend our last days in the country.

One of the nicer places in the city is the Wenshu temple. It appears to be an O.A.P. hotspot for those of you who like a nice cup of tea and a blanket over your legs. The vegetarian restaurant is run by monks and serves up some fantastically named dishes including; 'Jade and Crystal World', 'Dance of dragon and phoenix' and 'Treasure land'.

Another of the city's highlights, Remnin Park, does 'park' like it should be done, by including a host of different attractions. As a result, it bustles like a street market as people play mahjong, practice ball room dancing, sing opera music or practise their 'wax-on, wax-off' moves in the exercise area.

However, the one area of the park that was totally devoid of locals was the funfair. Like another episode of Scooby-doo, the aged rides lay motionless and rusty in the late afternoon sun. Even the sound of traffic seemed too distant and for the briefest of moments, it was as if we were no longer in China. As quickly as that feeling came, it departed; someone hacked up behind us and we were back in Chengdu.

A day or so later we were again graced with another deserted place; this time it was a shopping mall. Not many years ago, this large and impressive structure must have hosted more than 50 shops. Today it holds but a handful, thinly spread between countless empty glass units; a living example of retail death.

The coldest place on earth

November sometime - Songpan

Songpan is a little village that sits in a valley some 2,800m above sea level and a popular hub for visiting the mountains and nearby national park. The impression it left on me was that of a Chinese ski resort without any skiing; undoubtedly it has been influenced by the tourist trade and a number of boutiques can be found on the pretty main street. But this is China after all and so quite normal for sheep to be herded down the street in the middle of the day and probably explains why there is no heating.

One of the main attractions of this 'o so cold and I'm a boy' place is to take a horse trek into the mountains. We (and when I say that I mean I, with Helen under duress) settled on a 3 day trek to Ice Mountain. It all sounded so Thundercats.


We might even have made it up there, but, in predictable fashion, the weather took a turn for the worse and towards the end of our first night we were greated with snow. I like snow; it's a still a novelty and good for snowboarding.
But it turns out horses don't. They care for neither snowboarding nor skiing. Indeed graced as they are, with long legs and small hooves, on snow, they have the confidence of a woman in stillettos. This I found out on a number of occasions as my horse slipped, slid and fell up and down the narrow mountain tracks. It even had the nerve to throw me over the handle bars into the snow.

On the second day, we made it to about 3,800m before our guides decided that it was too dangerous to continue and so we returned early to our tibetan homestay. The scenery was breathtaking but harsh - this is not an environment that yields anything easily and you respect those who live there for it.


The homestay was an experience in itself - our hosts numbered more than 8 and covered 3 generations. For them, the experience of tourists in their home was not unusual and with a couple of exceptions, they carried on with their daily routine. A routine that, I suspect, has not changed in generations. In the evenings, we would all sit around the table drinking tea, eating the hearty (if meet free) food and sipping some filthy rice wine. This social gathering included joking, singing and listening to one guy play his guitar. Their kids; a couple of young brothers, divided their time between collecting wood, acting the goat and torturing their two 3 week old kittens (much to Helen's distress).

Who's a pretty boy then?

Panda sanctuary outside of Chengdu - end of November

Having been in China for a few weeks and not seen anything cuter than Ed in the morning (not a pretty sight), we headed to the panda sanctuary. We set out in the early morning darkness in order to arrive in time for their morning feed and were lucky enough to see a giant panda within a few feet of us. Having taken a whole load of pictures of this beauty up close, and a video, we moved on round the park. I read in the guide book that you'd be lucky to see five pandas during the visit, well, luck must have been in our stars, and I counted twenty. Giant adults, adolescents, cubs and red pandas.

I loved the giant pandas but must say that the cubs were my favourite. On spotting them, I suddenly turned into a soppy girlie girl and started cooing with delight. They were just soooo cute!


All of the pandas we saw were either eating or chilling, in trees or on the ground, which may lead you to thinking that they're lazy and greedy. However, despite being classified as a carnivore, the panda's diet is primarily herbivorous, and they almost exclusively eat bamboo. This is an recent evolutionary adaptation and is pretty unfortunate as they can't properly digest bamboo to get sufficient energy and therefore have to spend most of their days this way. If only Ed had such an excuse.

Feet of clay

Mid-November 2006 - Xi'an

Along with Beijing, Hong Kong and the Yangtse; Xi'an was one of my top China destinations. However, being such a vast country and with limited time, we very nearly didn't make it up there but with a bit or re-routing and a couple of extra days spent on the train, we managed to squeeze it into our trip. And I'm so glad that we did.

The main attraction lies about an hours drive outside of the city; the Terracotta Army. This is a collection of currently over 8,000 life-size terracotta figures which were buried near the body of the first Emporer of Qin. The Emporer ordered thousands of craftsmen to create an exact replica of his army; if any figure didn't look like the soldier it was modelled on then the craftsman was killed. Slightly obsessed with the after-life I think. Anyway, it makes for an impressive tourist attraction.

When entering the first excavation site, you can't help but be overwhelmed by the sheer scale of the place and the number of figures. To put it into perspective, it's in an aircraft hanger the size of two football pitches.

The site was discovered in 1974 by local farmers digging a well. The superstitious among them stupidly ran off thinking they'd seen a ghost but one lucky chap got his trowel out and the rest is history. Despite being illiterate, he's learnt to sign his name and offers book signings to get even more cash from his discovery. He's now a very rich man, and who can blame him; it beats selling dog meat to unsuspecting tourists.